The Spirit Was Somewhat Willing....

Last week, I consumed a thick, giant hamburger which probably tipped the scales at over a pound of ground meat. It was luscious to behold and was certainly consumed with a great deal of gusto, but the feat of eating the entire thing left me empty inside (emotionally, obviously not physically). Every once in a while, I go through some kind of phase during which I simply feel not emotionally equipped to digest complex animal protein.

Logically, I decided the next step should be to have a brief period of vegetarianism. However, because I have been an avid meat lover since the day my tiny canines popped out of my pink baby gums, I knew that I should set realistic limits.

So I developed the following rubric:

• meat flavorings and juices OK (no point in cutting out harmless stuff like chicken broth and sauces)
• fish and other seafood OK (they have simple nervous systems)
• "Wild Game" exception (never know what kind of once-in-a-lifetime exotic meat might walk in the door).
  
  

This scheme is admittedly unprincipled in a moral sense, but in a technical sense, very principled in that it is at least quite rule-oriented. It boils down to a basic prohibition against bite-sized (or larger) chunks of commercial meat. My "vegetarianism" is also rather amorphous in that it lacks definite duration.

Personally I predict it will be a momentary flash-in-the-pan.

Some have asked why I don't just eat less meat.

That's not the point, I answer.

The decision to dabble in vegetarianism was an organic one, borne first out of a natural reluctance to digest meat in the near future and second out of a desire to clean up my life a bit. I once gave up the meat of my people - pork - for a short period of time and found that experience quite interesting. I discovered being a carnivore definitely makes me a feral being, more prone to barbaric tendencies and moods. For this bout of civilized vegetarianism, I declared no clear start date, but last Friday, found myself making veggie quesadillas and a green bean tomato salad for dinner. Saturday morning, in unprecedented fashion, I abstained from our traditional morning mcmuffins, which normally require two slices of Canadian bacon to achieve the necessary meat-to-rest-of-food ratio. The rest of Saturday would have passed without incident if not for a certain Prime Rib at an out-of-town wedding. I was able to resist the other temptations (admittedly, aside from the permissible salmon, the other option was prohibited chicken), but the Prime Rib loomed under the lights, glowing like an object of divine intervention, testing my resolve.

Unfortunately, my "resolve" (which had not been formally instituted) proved to be weak. I noted to my roommate with despair, "Prime rib! But I am supposed to become a vegetarian!"

She had an expedient solution, having earlier decided that my Unprincipled Vegetarianism was pretty much totally lame: "Start tomorrow. You can start tomorrow."

Having already secured two vegetarian meals under my belt, I felt this would be a major setback as well as being intellectually dishonest. "I can't start tomorrow!"

Luckily for me, the waiter shaving the luscious pieces of Prime Rib gave me unsolicited reassurance: "Believe me, you can start tomorrow."

I caved.

"OK!"

So I started "tomorrow." Sunday, the official Day One, passed without incident. At lunch on Day Two (today), I realized that this vegetarianism was not going to result in any health benefits. For one thing, not eating meat makes me psychologically ravenous and I end up grazing on any nearby snack. For lunch, I had:

1. half a veggie quesadilla,
2. a couple servings of vegetarian pad thai,
3. a brownie,
4. some baked potato snacks, and
5. a cheese puff.

It seemed that something deep inside in me was determined to nullify my vegetarian efforts by any means necessary. I could have eaten pure bacon for lunch and probably consumed fewer calories.

Tonight's meal, however, proved to be a real challenge. My friends and I had decided to go out, and I was envisioning a plate of hearty pasta with pesto sauce, but our Italian restaurant was closed, forcing us to choose Mexican. The thought of going Mexican without getting some beloved carnitas was more tearfully traumatic than I expected. In fact, I grumbled the whole time I stood in line, upset that this might be the first time ever I was going to get the dreaded "veggie burrito."

I settled upon the enchilada platter which looked like it had more going on, but out of the "beef, chicken, pork, or cheese" selection, I had to choose cheese option. Seeing my Unprincipled Vegetarianism wavering, my friends encouraged me to scrap the whole idea. However, I did experience some regret at the wedding after my second slice of Prime Rib (the first slice was admittedly deliciously perfect), so I stayed the course. I ordered cheese enchiladas.

What I discovered is that cheese is not a replacement for meat. I looked at my friend's chicken enchiladas, all fat and plump with shredded meat - and then my own deflated, impotent enchiladas, lacking the structural integrity inherent in a nice satisfying pile of meat. I shoveled on as much pico de gallo that my entree could handle and made do. All in all, the veggie dish was flavorful but left my heart empty and truth be told, left me rather bitchy.

With the July 4th holiday coming up, otherwise known as National Barbecued Meat Day, I wonder how the bitch is going to make it through the week with Unprincipled Vegetarianism. Stay tuned for Day Three ... if I get that far....

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