Bring My Man Back!

Where have I been?  Tonight I spotted a strange, unfamiliar face in a TV ad for Brawny paper towels.  I'm not sure how the events leading up to his appearance could have transpired without my knowing, but I know I have never seen this guy before.  Who are you, and what the hell are you doing with my paper towels???

Yes, for some reason, Brawny Man has turned into a clean-faced frat boy, with a penchant for crisp button-downs and who isn't scared to wear orange.  With no explanation given for his sudden appearance, I started to doubt my own personal memory of the Brawny Man.  Had I simply projected some teenage 80s fantasy onto a roll of paper towels?  But a quick google confirmed that in fact (1) I'm not crazy, and (2) Brawny Man used to be ... well, brawny.  And a real man.

After all, what says MAN and screams TESTOSTERONE more than a bushy overgrown mustache, the historically accepted sign of brute virility in the western world?  

Even in the beginning, when he pedaled "designer" towels, Brawny was rough.  He had shaggy hair and carried an axe, an actual tool.  In case your spills were too much to handle, he apparently was just going to hack his way through the job, like any real man would.  Can't you just see him showing up at your house, ringing the doorbell and asking, "Excuse me, ma'am?  Can I help you with my axe?" That's right; the original Brawny Man was man enough to star in his own porno.

It's not that Brawny Man couldn't keep up with the times.  In fact, he did improve his grooming habits over the years and actually really tried to evolve.  Look at him trying so hard -- trimmed his mustache and sideburns, and is that a touch of mousse in his hair?  He even learned to be sensitive to our needs, letting us choose whether we were in the mood for six inches or twelve, or god forbid, any greater multiple of six for those really nasty jobs that get way out of control.  But still that wasn't enough.  

Now Brawny Man has been unjustly replaced by someone who looks like he could be convinced to get a pedicure.  Look at him standing proudly with his hands on his waist, like some kind of superhero.    

This blow-up unfortunately reveals yet another regrettable fact -- the New Brawny Man wears an UNDERSHIRT?  Who is this joker?  He probably wears deodorant and waxes his chest, too.  And nary a tool in sight.  I think he's going to try to mop up your messes with his ridiculous smile.  God help us all.  

So I guess it's goodbye to the Tom Selleck of Paper Towels.  When we were alone, you were there, with your awesome absorptive power.  You were all the man we needed, and I know you will be missed.  

       

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LA County Faces Budget Problems

Although I no longer live in LA, I still return often to see the family and am vaguely aware that like much of the country, Los Angeles county has fallen on tough economic times.  As explained by one county official earlier this year, "the combination of state budget cuts and falling tax revenues is straining the county's ability to provide public services."

But it's hard to feel too bad for municipal government when you see something like this while waiting for your parents to pick you up from the LAX airport:

Public services may be cut, but canine citizens of Los Angeles passing through on business travel through the LAX airport, fear not for the loss of your services!  Your fake fire hydrant and manicured lawn remain protected for your use thanks to your tax dollars... oh wait, DOGS DON'T PAY TAXES.   

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Important Warranty-Related Information Regarding Your Fake Mustache

Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you need to go out shopping to make this bad day better. Sometimes you end up buying a set of Mexican-style fake mustaches at a party store while shopping to make your bad day better.

But lest you think happiness comes without a price, be forewarned of this important safety precaution. 

It's all fun and games until someone's fake mustache bursts into flames.  Kids, do not try this at home. 

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O Celebrate the Pain

Today is March 17, 2010, and as I have traditionally done for many of my 34 years, I woke up this morning and forgot to put on green. Many a coworker noticed this missing hue with great shock, to which I answered, "I'm an adult - I'm THIRTY-FOUR. WHO's going to pinch me? I DARE them."

I wasn't always so bold. Always not green but not always so bold. As a little Chinese girl living in Kentucky and who learned English from Mr. Rogers, I didn't have a mother who took it upon herself to teach me the Irish customs of the United States America. And so there was a lot of shame, awkward moments, and a hell of a lot of pinching -- a very rough deal in kindergarten. I mean, who pinches a cute little Chinese girl with pigtails new to the country? You wouldn't let adults do this but somehow, because of a some little green leperchaun, hordes of little kids are allowed to inflict this pain on each other with impunitiy. And this is how I came to regard St. Patrick's Day as the holiday it really is - a day of VIOLENCE.

Fortunately the silly little green holiday is over. And I was right; this year nobody pinched the Chinese girl. Let's hope it stays that way.

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