Wait a Minute....

So something's going on at Arby's.

I last reported the improved health of the economy based on Arby's latest marquee, touting its oldie but goodie, the FIVE FOR $5.95. However, there's now reason for pause:



New $501 Combo meals? Is anyone else deeply alarmed? I figure there can be only two explanations for this cryptic message:
* Arby's is now charging over FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS for a combo meal!
* Arby's cannot afford a simple period for its marquee!

Neither provides much reassurance. In the meantime, it is with much regret that I must report I can no longer afford Arby's.

More Arby's for everyone else, I suppose. Stay tuned.

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We're Back!

For months, friends have listened to me lament about the state of our economy. I know I am among many who wished they had had kept their savings under their mattresses rather than dutifully directing dollars toward mutual funds, never to be seen again. I know the economy has been ailing because you hear about it at work, whenever you turn on the evening news, and whenever you check your online investments (and so you consciously avoid the latter).

But by far the most dramatic indicator of the downturn this past year is when you read the marquee at the midtown Anchorage Arby's. For years, it always held the promise of a good deal -- roast beef at an affordable price. Occasionally the sign would stray from these sound principles (the Two for Four Fish Sandwiches come to mind), but on the whole, the Arby's sign brings me all the comfort you'd expect from a pile of roast beef. I drive past the sign everyday on the way to work, and I never get to the office without checking what the fortuneteller says.

And when things started looking not so good for our great country, Arby's was ON it.

On March 10, the marquee was ominously blank. Not even a word about the Two For Four Fish Sandwiches.



On April 1:

$5 ROAST CHICKEN COMBO MEAL!

Unfortunately, anyone who eats at Arby's knows that the roast chicken combo meal is not Arby's bread and butter. Nevertheless, it was a promising spike during otherwise dismal times.

Sometime in May, however, the economy veered off again, with this confusing message:

COOL OFF WITH A MALT SHAKE!

Yet another curve ball. If you're going to Arby's and you're getting a shake, everybody knows you get the Jamocha shake. How many of us as nine year olds sipped our first taste of coffee in the form of the deliciously oversweet Jamocha shake? "Malt," on the other hand, carries the sad and disturbing suggestion that we were going back to the old days when children had to get their kicks and daily nutritional value from Ovaltine and other tasteless grain-based products. And for anyone who has lived in Anchorage, you know you can wait all summer and never feel the urge to "cool off" with a malt shake.

Mid-summer, the marquee changed again:

ORANGE SWIRL IS BACK!

(Umm... when was Orange Swirl ever here? The consumers of the "Orange Swirl" are way behind the consumers of the Malt Shake who are waaaay waaaay behind the kids drinking Jamocha shakes. This was a sad sad cry for help.)

The Orange Swirl persisted for quite some time, despite TV commercials touting Two Arby-Qs for Four Dollars. Probably a misplaced Seattle ad since it never made the Anchorage marquee but nevertheless, the Arby-Qs seemed to suggest a future beyond eternally haunting orange swirls.

And then, just as I started considering sewing gold coins into underpants as my primary form of investment and financial security, it happened. Like a miracle.

FIVE FOR $5.95!

Yes, ladies and gentleman. I am proud to announce that the Five-For-Five-Ninety-Five (Alaska's version of the Five-For-Five) is BACK! So let the gold coins loose from your pants, dig out your dollars from underneath your mattresses, and go out and get some cheap roast beef!

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Puppies, PUPPIES!!

My mother called me last night because she wanted my advice on "free puppies." She said the puppy on the free puppies site looked a lot like our first family dog. "She has Jeanie's coloring and kind of has her ears. You have to look." She told me to google, "puppies," and click on the first link which purportedly said "free puppies."

I dutifully typed "puppies" into the search window, but no such link appeared. I asked her how she spelled "puppies" in case she was using some kind of unorthodox spelling known only to Chinese mothers. She painstakingly recited the letters P-U-P-P-I-E-S several times, punctuating each attempt with an emphatic "PUPPIES! PUPPIES!" as if that would help. Finally, I just asked her for the url and patiently listened to an even longer spelling from her.

"She looks like Jeanie when Jeanie was a puppy except Jeanie's fur was more golden. Can you see the picture? Her ears are less pointy. The dog's eyes look closed. Oh dear, I hope the little dog isn't not blind."

Despite the adorable squint resembling that of old blind men depicted in Chinese films, I figured the dog was not blind as my mother feared. I did note however that the site was about pedigree puppies who were most certainly not "free puppies." I tried to explain this to my mom, but she was adamant, until she kept reading and realized, "Oh, free advertising for puppies. Not free puppies."

Not free, not blind, but worth googling nonetheless.

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When In Latin America Use Thumbs

All blog entries for the following two weeks will be painstakingly handcrafted with my thumbs. This is because I neglected to bring a laptop but Big Bro was kind enough to loan me his itouch. This has saved me because the place I'm at has three computers, one of which says no funciona which even I know to mean it's SOL. As time prgresses one of two things will happen. I will either get better with my thumbs like all those young people or a vast number of spelling errors will be published over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.

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Oh and There WILL Be Doritos....

It has been many many years since all five members of my immediate family have been able to take a vacation together. But it appears that it is about to finally happen again. After much squabbling, we've decided to embark on a ROAD TRIP - up and down the Californian coast. Never mind that my family has lived in southern California since 1983. For whatever reason, although we regularly traverse snippets of the Pacific Coast Highway, we've never followed its path with much diligence.

Until tomorrow.

Before settling on this trip, we nominated various destinations, all of which seem to be semi-inappropriate given the season. Ironically, our backyard stares right into the Pacific Ocean and thus I imagine our view over the next three days will look much the same as what we see out the window at home. Nevertheless, while scouring the Internet for places to go, I came to realize that my parents (and at what time even I did) live in the American Mediterranean. For the next few days, we'll just be exploring its facets with more thoroughness.

I imagine that this trip will rival the road trip of my teenage years - the Grand Canyon Dorito Van Tour With Grandma. I recall mostly the hot blast of desert heat whenever the minivan door slid open, cramming something like six people into one motel room, and of course, the familial consumption of many many Doritos (although Grandma was personally inclined toward Sun Chips.) Along with Doritos were beef tendons and fried shrimp (still in their shells) - all par for the course, all "traditional" fare for a Madwoman Family car ride. This year's trip will not include the tendons and shrimp, but there will be the Inevitable Consumption Of Hundreds Of Doritos. No doubt.

I am bracing myself. So should you.

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