Showing posts with label siblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label siblings. Show all posts

Friday, January 11, 2013

In A Galaxy Far Far Away....


I'm sorry to be the one to inform you, but you've been reading the blog of someone who actually likes Star Trek.  But we come in peace.  We call ourselves trekkers.  

Before you hastily close this window, I said, "trekker," not "trekkie."  If this distinction escapes you, then yes, maybe you should just come back next week....  

Or if you're feeling curious, just read on.  Trekkies are basically just groupies obsessed with Star Trek, and they are in fact TOTALLY NUTSO.  They spend thousands of dollars on conventions every year, and yes, they wear uniforms and pointy ears while attending seminars!

I, on the other hand, have only aspired to attend a convention, and I have never ever worn space-related uniforms of any nature nor any prosthetic ears of any sort!  (Although I'm not saying I wouldn't try them on for a few minutes if someone were to hand me a pointy pair of Vulcan beauties....)

Who Can Resist?

Some people are born into royalty or life in the mob.  I was born into Star Trek.  By that I mean I was forced into it by Big Brother (the same guy who got me into all that trouble with Doritos).  I guess if you sit on a bean bag long enough in the family room without moving, this kind of thing happens before you know any better.   

Ensign Little Brother and I Really Never Had a Chance: 

BEFORE...
... AND AFTER 


Big Brother was born into the Star Wars generation.  In 1977, shortly after we moved from Taiwan to America, my dad had heard much hullabaloo about this Star Wars thing and decided to take us so we could have this important American experience.  Never mind that none of us really spoke a word of English at that time.  In fact, in 1977, I was just a baby and likely not saying much at all.    

"Blah blah booobie...?" 
(tr. "What the...?")

By the time Empire Strikes Back came out, Big Brother had learned enough English in school, but I was still only four years old.  What English I did know was acquired completely from Mr. Rogers.  Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood of Make-Believe, however, did not include any stormtroopers or AT-ATs, so naturally I cried every time these interstellar bad guys appeared onscreen.  Consequently, most of my American Star Wars experience was marked by general hysteria.    


While I was shrieking my head off, Big Brother was having a deep spiritual experience.  And like many of his generation, he has never been quite the same ever since.   



   
After being properly primed for all things spacey, somewhere along the way, Big Brother also fell in love with Star Trek.  And because for most of the first decade of a little sister's life, she is little more than a shadow to a Big Brother, naturally I fell into that hole right after him.  By the time he had found Star Trek, I had scraped enough English to make sense of what I was seeing on TV.  It might have been Big Brother brainwashing that had started it all, but Star Trek was colorful, funny, and had catchy theme songs.  Before I knew what was happening, I kind of liked it.    

If the Force was strong in Darth Vader, Luke, and Leia, Star Trek was just as strong in Big Brother, Little Brother, and me.  Little Brother and I were unknowing heirs to Big Brother's bathroom collection of Star Trek novels.  (It was many hours with these books that I gained the scholarly knowledge that made me the trekker I am today.)  From a very early age, Little Brother could draw just about anything, and soon his bedroom was cluttered with self-created ship schematics.  Every night before bed, the nacelle engines of his plastic model U.S.S. Enterprise would glow under his bedspread, fueled only by AA batteries and a powerful imagination.  (And occasionally, the muffled sounds of photon torpedoes.)   

As for me, in middle school, I decided I would teach myself to raise an eyebrow à la Spock, and to this day, this isolated muscle remains extremely well-developed, as true and sure as anything in my life.  Shunning the social habits of my peers, I practiced my Vulcan moves at night, arching my eyebrow in the mirror and longing for the ability to execute an immobilizing nerve pinch.  I started writing my own Star Trek novel based on a new character that I hoped would eventually make it onto the TV series -- a half-Orion, half-Vulcan female Starfleet officer -- basically a smart but sexy Vulcan lady the color of Incredible Hulk.    (Had I gotten further than Chapter 3, she would have been bad-ass and broken a lot of hearts.)      

I won't go so far as to say that but for the brotherly brainwashing, I would not have possessed any of the habits of the nerdy, geeky, or dorky all on my own.  But on good weather days, I might have passed as almost normal.  

That was then, and this is now.  Today, my trekker instincts are second-nature, particularly irrepressible if I've sniffed out a fellow-trekker at a cocktail party.  (And yes, this does not often happen.)  If you are otherwise a normal human, I will play along for now, but know that deep down inside, this Vulcan is just dying to pinch you.  
      


Live Long and Prosper

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Merry After-Christmas To All!


Dreaming of the Most Magical Holiday of Them All
To a kid, Christmas is The Most Magical Holiday of Them All.  To my parents, however, it must have been the greatest mystery.  I was one of those kids who deeply believed in Christmas but definitely with the limited faculties of a precocious second–grader.  In the farce I had carefully crafted for myself, Santa did in fact exist, but he visited only the truly good children, those who had actually not done a single rotten thing all year long.  I figured those perfect children probably lived in faraway places ... like somewhere in India or perhaps in the Netherlands.  

Congratulating The Only Good Children in the World

This seemed to explain why we never actually saw Santa, as I was generally a good kid but certainly not perfect, and Big Brother, as far as I was concerned, was basically a childhood dictator. 


Childhood Dictator Trying to Control Me From A Very Young Age
  

Farce or not, I really liked the drama of Christmas.  The important thing was to not pop the bubble; as long as there was some room left To Believe, I was going to be ok.  Although I was pretty sure Santa's reindeer were flying over other continents, it didn't stop me from closing my eyes to pretend I could hear hooves on our rooftop.  And I definitely left out milk and cookies for Santa – specifically, those tasty Little Debbie’s oatmeal sandwiches.  

Milk and Cookies!  That Santa Is One Lucky Bastard!


I remember it all quite clearly.

That Santa Is One Lazy Bastard.
The next morning, the milk was still there, but the cookies were gone.  Dad explained that Santa wasn’t thirsty, which I accepted as plausible.  Later that day, however, I found the stack of cookies sitting on a pot in the refrigerator in plain view.  What bothered me was not that Santa didn’t eat the cookies or maybe that Santa didn’t even exist.  What bothered me was that my parents didn’t even try to eat or to hide the cookies.  

Would it have been so much trouble to pull out some clean Tupperware?  


The Milk And Cookie Incident was the first wobble in the Santa story.  As years passed, my parents left us with less room To Believe.  We never ever had a real tree but rather a four–foot tall aluminum number of which we decorated only one side; there were only enough lights zigzag across the front.  (Only our dog could see the back through the window, we rationalized, and we weren’t about to decorate for a dog.)  


"HEY!!! IS THERE SOMETHING GOING ON IN THERE???"

Sometimes we left the tree up so long that it made it all the way to the next Christmas.  Furthermore, Santa did not leave us gifts in stockings.  He used Big Brother’s old (but hopefully clean) sweat socks, which were stuffed with such highly desirable luxury items as oranges and cans of Campbell soup.  (In a good year, sometimes we got the Chunky variety.)

A Very Classy Christmas!


Despite these setbacks, I still wanted To Believe or, at least, to marginally survive Christmas.  Like any normal child, I would grope all the gifts under the tree, pressing my little fingers tightly against the wrapping paper to figure out what it was hiding beneath.  One year, one of the gifts I manhandled definitely felt like the shape of a new watch, which was totally awesome since my old watch had just recently stopped working.  

A New Watch!


On Christmas Day, however, when I ripped off the paper covering over what I hoped to be the glorious replacement, I heard the power To Believe hiss out of my little body.  

That Christmas gift turned out to be my same watch.  Still totally not working.  

Oh... Actually, The Same Watch

Mom beamed at me and asked if I liked the watch, but I was too confused at the time to answer.  (Years later, I asked my mom why she wrapped a nonfunctional watch under the Christmas tree for her only daughter, and she said she found it in my room and thought I had forgotten that it was “pretty.”  I had not.)

My parents also were notorious for shopping at the very last minute.  By that, I don’t mean a few days before Christmas Eve.  That’s American last–minute.  I mean Chinese last–minute, literally last minute, past midnight on Christmas Day while everyone was sleeping.  That meant the bulk of their “gifts” had to come from the only establishments open at that hour, namely neighborhood drug stores.  So that’s how the twelve–year–old who was constantly being lectured about the evils of dating ended up getting lipstick and pantyhose for Christmas 1988.  

Why Do I...
... Not Feel Sexy?



Should I Be...
... Robbing a Bank?


The drug store was also how Little Brother, seven–years–old that year, ended up getting the Most Legendary Christmas Gift Of All Time:  

Vacuum bags.  

What The...?


Many many years later, I asked my mom what she was thinking by giving her youngest son vacuum bags for Christmas.  Was this her not–so–subtle message that she needed more of Little Brother’s help with the housekeeping?  He seemed too young to wield a vacuum cleaner with any competence, so that didn’t really seem like a plausible answer. 

She explained, “WHEN YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A VACUUM BAG AND CANNOT FIND ONE, IT IS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING – THE TREASURE OF SURPRISE!  I WANTED TO SHARE THAT SPECIAL FEELING WITH YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.”


I’m not sure Little Brother ever saw it that way.  And I’m pretty sure the year he got vacuum bags for Christmas was the last year he believed in Santa.

The Vacuum Bag Who Sucked Away Christmas


⌘⌘⌘

Since the early years of Christmas, we’ve continued to tolerate the holiday.  I couldn't take any of Mom's Christmas shenanigans too personally because her style of gift–giving was not confined to her own family.  As I remember it, the mailman always got creamy peanut butter and a roll of Scotch tape for Christmas, and the garbage man got a can of cheese puffs and a canned holiday ham.  These were all very fancy items in the our household, but I’m not sure our mailman or trash man could have figured this out on his own.  

This Mailman Does Not Know He's One Lucky Bastard


Unlike normal people who wake up early and all excited on Christmas, my brothers and I have historically always tried our best to sleep through as much of it as possible if not the entire day.  As an adult, I now actually spend a lot of time trying to find thoughtful and unique presents well in advance of midnight on Christmas Day, but often still I’m alone in this effort.

Not that the effort ever succeeds anyway.  For someone who gives gifts who make people cry, my mom isn’t so easy to please.  When presented with a nicely framed photograph of her beautiful grown children, she turned to my father to say, “THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES NOW.  SHE GETS US FREE THINGS.”  One year I gave her a new set of pots and pans to replace her old beaten-up set.  Her response?  “WHAT?  YOU WANT ME TO COOK FOR YOU?  IS THAT WHAT I AM?”  The foot spa I got her in 2010 was too complicated to use, and the purse didn’t have enough zippers.  (According to my mom, purses never have enough zippers.) 

And so despite my personal efforts in recent years, Christmas is definitely still an upside down affair at my house.  A few years ago, Big Brother made a major investment and paid twenty–five bucks on Amazon to replace the old aluminum tree with a “fancy” pre–lit fold–up tree.  It came in three parts, and like a mean cat, the tree always gave Little Brother a dozen scratches whenever he tried to assemble it.  (As proof there is no karma, somehow the undesirable task of assembly always fell upon poor Little Brother.)  

So whenever someone when the Christmas tree is going up, there's always a lot of groaning followed by a lot of cursing. 

 WHAT THE $*#@!  WHY ME???


From time to time, Mom still finds old things around the house to wrap up and put under the tree.  By “wrap,” I mean, use the traditional coverings of newspaper and black garbage bags.  Sometimes it is a pair of my old shoes she still finds fashionable.  Other years, it’s a raincheck, which historically has always been my mom’s favorite gift to give her children...

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas!

... that is, when she runs out of vacuum bags. 

⌘⌘⌘


It goes without saying that my early Christmas memories have left an indelible mark on how I now personally conduct Christmas.  Little Brother likes to cite the time I gave him and our puppy a "joint" gift of tangerines and dog biscuits.  (To be fair, we were short on stockings, Little Brother loves tangerines, and I would argue it was obvious which gift was intended for whom.)  


Come Now, This Isn't Rocket Science

Last year I accidentally gave him a set of Arby's coupons usable only in Alaska.  (Apparently, even discounted roast beef in Alaska costs more than regular priced Arby's in California!)  This year, however, when I gave him half of Costco bag of craisins (a big sister has a duty to regulate her little brother's sugar intake), Little Brother actually thought it was a nice gift.  

Hey Little Brother, mission accomplished!

Big Brother, however, did not share my perspective when it came to the cans of minced clams I tried to put in his stocking this year.  

But Big Brother, clams are so fancy!  

At the end of the day, as much as I've grumbled about my childhood holiday memories, the truth is that our Christmas traditions (or lack thereof) have absolutely made me who I am, and I wouldn't  have it any other way.  They taught me:
  • the value of appreciating what I already have, 
  • the beauty and joy of whimsy and family, 
  • and of course, the incredible versatility of socks.  

For this, I am nothing but eternally thankful and proud to share with you these precious memories...

... these Special Vacuum Bags of Christmas!


From Me To You!  Everything Is A Treasure!


Merry After–Christmas to all, 
and to all, a Good Night!