Bring My Man Back!

Where have I been?  Tonight I spotted a strange, unfamiliar face in a TV ad for Brawny paper towels.  I'm not sure how the events leading up to his appearance could have transpired without my knowing, but I know I have never seen this guy before.  Who are you, and what the hell are you doing with my paper towels???

Yes, for some reason, Brawny Man has turned into a clean-faced frat boy, with a penchant for crisp button-downs and who isn't scared to wear orange.  With no explanation given for his sudden appearance, I started to doubt my own personal memory of the Brawny Man.  Had I simply projected some teenage 80s fantasy onto a roll of paper towels?  But a quick google confirmed that in fact (1) I'm not crazy, and (2) Brawny Man used to be ... well, brawny.  And a real man.

After all, what says MAN and screams TESTOSTERONE more than a bushy overgrown mustache, the historically accepted sign of brute virility in the western world?  

Even in the beginning, when he pedaled "designer" towels, Brawny was rough.  He had shaggy hair and carried an axe, an actual tool.  In case your spills were too much to handle, he apparently was just going to hack his way through the job, like any real man would.  Can't you just see him showing up at your house, ringing the doorbell and asking, "Excuse me, ma'am?  Can I help you with my axe?" That's right; the original Brawny Man was man enough to star in his own porno.

It's not that Brawny Man couldn't keep up with the times.  In fact, he did improve his grooming habits over the years and actually really tried to evolve.  Look at him trying so hard -- trimmed his mustache and sideburns, and is that a touch of mousse in his hair?  He even learned to be sensitive to our needs, letting us choose whether we were in the mood for six inches or twelve, or god forbid, any greater multiple of six for those really nasty jobs that get way out of control.  But still that wasn't enough.  

Now Brawny Man has been unjustly replaced by someone who looks like he could be convinced to get a pedicure.  Look at him standing proudly with his hands on his waist, like some kind of superhero.    

This blow-up unfortunately reveals yet another regrettable fact -- the New Brawny Man wears an UNDERSHIRT?  Who is this joker?  He probably wears deodorant and waxes his chest, too.  And nary a tool in sight.  I think he's going to try to mop up your messes with his ridiculous smile.  God help us all.  

So I guess it's goodbye to the Tom Selleck of Paper Towels.  When we were alone, you were there, with your awesome absorptive power.  You were all the man we needed, and I know you will be missed.  

       

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